The room is dark and I don’t expect him but he comes. This stranger I know nothing about. This monster that makes my stomach turn. I move away as the darkness hides his intentions. He begins to grab at me, in places I don’t want this person to grab. I want him far away from me. I want, instead, the man I loved, this monster is no one I could ever love.

He pushes me down and engulfs me so that I am barely able to move. I can already feel myself breaking inside and out and he’s barely touched me yet.

“No.” I say. I shudder at the thought of this monster touching me, even for a moment.

He can either not hear me or chooses not to because he continues with his twisted intentions and the little pieces of human I have been desperately trying to keep together for months begin to slip away in a few, short moments. He starts to shatter them with his angry need.

I want to kick, I want to scream. I want to beg for release from his arm-like prison, but I am voiceless and can’t seem to move. He holds me captive to his hungry urges. I notice he is heavier than I thought he would be and my stomach lurches because he smells of things that only bring bad memories.

I want him off me. Now. “Please.” I whisper, trying to move his fumbling hands from my hidden places. Maybe he’ll hear me and let me go. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding. I can feel myself suffocating under the weight of his need so I push harder. The monster is stronger than I can handle. I shut my eyes tight and try to regain control again.

“Please. Please…” I whimper repeatedly as tears begin to flow freely down my ice, cold skin. I don’t like how weak he makes me feel. He puts a fear in me that goes down to my bone. I know the instant it hits my core that he has no thoughts of stopping. I am a warm body. No longer human to him. He grunts and moans and pushes my arms aside. He ignores my pathetic pleas.

“I don’t want this.” I cry, trying to get louder but feeling too ashamed. I press shaking hands against his chest. He barely notices this and his hands feel clammy as they wind around skin that’s only been touched by one I loved. I choke on tears and guilt as I try to cover parts he is clawing to uncover.

I close my eyes tight and try to remember one year ago. The one I loved held me in our bed and brushed the hair from my face while gently kissing me after whispering, “I love you,” softly in my ear. The love we made was real, pure and trusting. My body did not belong to me, it was ours to share.

My body does not belong to the beast on top of me and I don’t know why he thinks it does. I try to fight back harder with the strength of my memories buried within. Still, hands I don’t want feeling my skin touch places I haven’t given permission for them to touch. I don’t trust these hands. I don’t love these hands. I don’t want these hands to know me. They are greedy and ugly as they hurriedly grab buttons, zippers and clasps and push me away when I try to stop it.

“This is what you get for walking around like that.” The nasty voices in my head snarl as his hot breath leaves scars on my delicate skin. “You deserve this.” The voices continue making me weaker by the minute.

“I’m human. Let me go.” I moan, shifting my legs as close to me as they’ll go. “I’m me. I was loved…once. Please, don’t do this.”

When I say those words he suddenly seems to realize I’m there with him, breathing below his writhing body, so he hisses, “Be quiet, you know you’ll like this.”

“I feel like I’m dying.” I whisper back.

He no longer hears me over the greed of his lust.

There’s no fight left in me, I can feel myself giving up and I am ashamed. It hurts worse when I fight and I barely have energy for tears as he continues to take what I have not given him.

He tries to finish stealing the last bit of humanity I have left. I cry harder and plead for my release in scattered whimpers. This is the bit I have tried so hard to keep close to me this last year and he wants to take it with no remorse.

He finally resigns. He is angry because I am not giving him what he wants willingly. He tells me to leave and as I flee I am followed by a string of nasty names and words.

I am broken inside. I am shamed and full of guilt. I am humiliated. I had once tried to give everything I am to someone I loved and now a monster that I don’t even know has taken the rest. Violently and without conscience.

I no longer feel human. This is my punishment for daring to believe I could be loved.