He was a sure thing.

I’ve never been positive about anything in my entire life as I was with him. I felt it deep, down into my inner most being that he was my sure thing. My forever.

I’m a thinker, not a feeler and he also made sense. He wasn’t a gut feeling, he was a well calculated life plan that had a bonus of a feeling to go with it. Some would blame him for constantly telling me over and over again that he knew he’d never spend his life with anyone else but I would just nod my head, smile, leave him with a kiss and say, “I know.” Because I also knew better than to trust his words alone. I knew and proceeded with caution. It wasn’t the words that slipped through his tongue that had me attached to his side, it was me and my certainty. I never trust anything, but I trusted myself.

I felt I could be whomever I was and he would always love me, there would be no hesitation. Forever wasn’t just an imaginary word that we could hope to achieve, it was happening, right there and then and not any sort of force in our world could stop it.

Now I find myself starting over, trying to regain the trust in myself that I once had. Myself betrayed me though, it took the innocent certainty I thought I could always fall back on and destroyed it, piece by piece. I now think my soul is hiding, embarrassed of the mistake it made because I can’t feel the firmness it would give me in any of my decisions anymore.

Where I was overcautious when I met him, I feel I’ve now become the complete opposite. Throwing myself into whatever comes in my direction without the constant battle of seeing if I can calculate and find out if the joy could outweigh the hurt. I’m letting my heart live as recklessly as I can stand for it. So for now, I just close my eyes and spin, hoping that I don’t stumble and fall too far down.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust myself again, but that may be for the best.