And late at night, while you’re lying in your bed alone, wishing it was still our home, but we both know…it’s too late. -Tristan Prettyman, I Was Gonna Marry You

Well this is it, this is the week I find out that he has started dating someone else. He’s moved on. It actually happened quite a while ago but he just now told me. I thought this would be the next devastating thing I would have to go through after the actual breakup. I’ve been holding tightly, bracing myself for the emotional impact of this moment.

And now I can say that I feel…pity. And I mean that in the least condescending, bitchy way that an ex girlfriend can say that word. Keep in mind that I still hold no hate or anger toward him, so anything I write, I write out of love for who I once knew.

Of course I had my first few minutes of the mandatory tears because I’m human but they weren’t because I was feeling like I’d officially lost him, no, that happened many months ago, even before we’d ever broken up. He hadn’t been mine for a while. I only shed the quiet tears at the sting of how quickly it had happened and how little it showed that I had meant to him. I wept for what I had wanted us to be, not at what we really ever were.

Then I moved onto pity because the realization that he had moved on so fast finally set in. He jumped into something else feet first, almost immediately after our break, just like he did everything else. So the realization I had was that this new woman is me, and the girl before me, and the girl before that, and the girl before that and the list goes on.

He had always tried to say I was different then the rest because with every other ex he would spend just a few months with them, only long enough so he had someone to talk to while away, and then move on. I was ‘special’ because he held onto me longer. I’m not like that. I can’t handle relationships that way. I’ve had 3 boyfriends including him and this is how they went: My high school boyfriend lasted 3 months and when I broke that off I didn’t date anyone else for another 4 years. Then it was my college boyfriend for another 3 months and after I ended that I waited another 4 years before I met the most recent. This is because my biggest fear has always been wasting my time with someone who I knew wouldn’t work out. So I never jumped without looking and I never held on for longer than I should, until recently.

Back a few months before we ended, when he was home, something happened between us that shattered my soul. I haven’t talked about it much, only with a select few, and I don’t know if I really ever will. But during that time my heart was silently breaking into a million pieces and he refused to acknowledge it at all. His ignorance to my pain only made the seeds of hate grow inside of me. Then 2 weeks later he left on the ship and I made plans to leave him also. This was going to be it, I couldn’t stay in that unhealthy environment anymore. I never told him that because true to his pattern as soon as he departed I was bombarded with the pleas, the begging and even the tears, convincing me to stay with him a while longer. And I fell for it. Again. Because if I gave up and left, then that would mean I’d wasted my time and that would be the ultimate disappointment to myself.

But he had this pattern every time, no matter how small or big our problems were when he was home, he always made sure to smooth them over quickly with kisses and promises before he left again, but only just right before he left, never sooner. The fear of going out to sea without someone here to lean on during his months of depression terrified him and yet I couldn’t fully see that until it was all over. I kept believing he was clinging to me because he just loved me that much.

So that is why I feel sadness for him but I won’t spend too much time thinking about it, because that’s what this blog is about, to get all that out. I just hope that this is the one who will make him happy, happier than I could, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. My goal throughout our entire relationship was to see him smile and the unhappy pain in his eyes that I saw within our last few weeks together ripped my heart in two, I felt like a failure. I knew he was struggling to find something that I could no longer provide him.

I’ll end this by saying that there is something to be said about being alone, people often look at singles like they are diseased. (Believe me I’ve been there many times in my 4 year spans) But I think it’s harder to see someone that can’t be alone. So no, you aren’t going to see any relationship changes to my FB anytime soon. No pictures of me kissing a new bearded face. I’m in no rush to put a warm hand to my loneliness. The loneliness has had a way of teaching me things I hadn’t even considered before, and I found that it’s not really as lonely as it sounds. So I will keep cherishing it for as long as I’m able to.

And that’s how I move on.