“And if you’re still breathing you’re one of the lucky ones.” – Youth by Daughter

We kiss in a final way and you hold back tears. You hold me as I cry. You try to leave and I grab your keys begging for answers. We fight back and forth. You roll far away from me in our bed. You stumble in drunk and angry. I cry all the way home after our icy exchange. We have an awkward fight in front of your friends. We pick out our kid’s names on the way home from camp. Our families meet for the first time. We leave notes for each other around the house. We makeout in the backseat of your truck. You leave me alone at your friend’s wedding to flirt with strangers.

You tell me you don’t want me to feel like you don’t want me. I hate you as I lie in bed alone. You drink one beer after another as I drive you back your first night home. I greet you at the terminal and your arms feel loose around my shoulders. There is only silence in the time that I should have heard from you when you left. Our last phone call before you board the plane home contains an ‘I love you’ from only one of us.

You tell me you fell in love with me all over again on a morning I made you coffee. Skype sessions and I’m longing to reach through the screen and touch your cheek. You send me a silver necklace ‘just because’. You tell me how beautiful I am. We talk about getting a dog. You promise the next time you’re home things will be different. Someone’s hurt your feelings and I sit by the phone and reassure you well into the night. We kiss goodbye before you leave and there are tears as you say, “I can’t keep leaving you.”

We go riding just the two of us and it feels like we’re in our own world. We curl up in our sweatpants and watch tv and we both say how happy we feel. We buy presents together for our families. Our first Christmas tree is up and you tell me it’s the start of many more. You say you don’t like some of my friends as you leave my party early to sleep. We make dinner together. I stock our fridge with all your favorite foods and drinks.

We discuss our future children like they are fact instead of fiction. You correct me everytime I say yours instead of ours. We move in together. We drive all over together and enjoy the silent moments. You tell me you love me. You promise me you don’t talk to her anymore. You get angry when we’re at the club and ask me to leave but I know it’s just the alcohol on your breath.

We share a breathless night that I don’t regret the next day. You tell me you love me more than anything. We laugh and drink with friends around a bonfire. We hold hands. We go to the movies. You drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night to meet my nephew and I know for sure I love you then. I see you for the first time in over a month and I have butterflies. You write beautiful, eloquent emails every day that make my heart skip. We say goodbye for the first time and I hold my breath. I’m scared at how fast your feelings have come. You look into my eyes and say ‘I love you’ nervously hoping for a response. I take you to my camp. I dance with your mom and sister to Billy Joel and you say you knew I was the one then. I meet your family.

I feel comfortable with you. We sit at the bar, nervous at what to say to each other. You try to kiss me and I tell you not yet. We dance all night together. I see you again at the conveinance store and invite you to join me out. We talk for only a short while. You see me from across the street and say you had to come over to introduce yourself to my smile.