Please remember as you read this that it was written by someone trying to have humor with a depressing situation.

1. I will never be able to find someone that cooks a steak as well as you. The only person who cooks one better is your father. This meal was always melt-in-your-mouth delicious with just the right amount of seasoning. I’m always skeptical of anyone that’s not my own mother’s cooking and while you often times tried to pair that delicious piece of steak with some sort of gross green I wanted nowhere near my mouth, it was unforgettable. I won’t miss all the times I begged for mashed potatoes with it only to be turned down with a quick, “Baked potatoes are healthier.” As you eyed the bulge I had started to get around my mid-section since I’d started dating someone that actually knew how to cook.

2. You taught me to not be so rigid. I have always had every one moment of my life planned and in those times when it didn’t go exactly the way I wanted I felt like I was going to have a small heart attack. You took me away from that and showed me life won’t fall apart just because you decide at the last minute to drive 60 miles out of the way to see a friend you hadn’t seen in years. Life is about the moments and not the end result, is what I’m taking from that and I had some of my best moments with you whenever I let go. I will never regret that but the flip side was the extent you took it. I won’t miss the stress that was brought into my life by never knowing where your mood would take you.

3. I am attracted to figurative and literal dicks. I love a man with an ego, a man who thinks he’s so great that he can say whatever he wants to someone and be offended when that other person is offended. It’s a sickness I’m working on. And just to address the literal part, this break up has also made me realize how I could never be a lesbian. (Not that it was ever on the table.) You were tough enough to get through though so I can’t even imagine how emotional a break up between two women would be. It would destroy me.

4. The cold won’t kill me. You forcing me to actually be outside in the Maine winter made me realize that sitting for hours in the bitter cold won’t truly kill me. (Well it could but I was the smart one that at least wore the proper outdoor clothes to these events. T-shirts with a picture of a Moose on them does not make snow gear.)

5. The next time I feel unwanted in any situation it’s time to turn and run. I should never feel less than wanted, by anyone. By the person I love, their friends or their family. Acceptance and love should be always be shown and when it’s not, it’s no longer good.

6. I’m a pushover. There’s such a thing as going too far and that’s something I still struggle with. Blaming hurtful words on a poison you chose to put in your body should not be forgiven by me as quickly as it was. I’m too easily won over by early morning kisses and promises of forever because that ugly monster you were the night before will always be back again, knowing he can get away with it because I always let him.

7. Just because someone earns my trust early on it does not mean they can keep it forever. People are human and make choices that can lose that carefully wrapped trust that I have already given them. I should never rely on someone being the same person forever.

8. Money and status are not the most important things in the world. I had a pretty solid grasp on this before I met you. I didn’t choose my friends based on their income and while I moaned and whined about my lack of funds I was happy with where I was at. You made money something twisted. New toys were always being purchased but you were still never satisfied. It made me sad and it made me hate the power it had over you. I will never let someone justify the importance of money over love again.

9. My thoughts on God and religion are more important than I realized and dating someone who ‘basically’ holds the same values as me will turn into someone who completely disagrees with me just to be contrary. Being with someone who ‘basically’ follows the same dogma as me will be the same person who mocks and belittles my beliefs not only in the privacy of our own home but also around friends, family and strangers.

10. I will always love you. I won’t always love you in a romantic way, those feelings are already fading and it’s as though you’re slowly letting go of each string that’s connected to my heart. But I will always love you as a person. Hoping for the best for you will never go away and that’s okay because you were brought into my life for a reason and that makes me happy.

11. Finally, that I can make mistakes and live. Admitting that the decisions that were made over the last 2 years may have been a mistake is the most terrifying thing in the world to me. There was a voice in my head that kept saying, “Leave, this isn’t what you want”  but it was constantly shut up by my fear of being wrong and letting others know I had made a mistake. I’m not afraid of that anymore, I can make a mistake and still live. Breath exhaled.