Miserable Misery

Posted on July 28, 2013 by upthestairs87

drive 2

Have you ever been so completely unhappy and had no idea? Since my failed relationship, I’ve found I’m still picking up lessons that were dropped during it, like a trail from my broken heart to the person I want to become again. My former amount of unhappiness  and my blindness to it has been my most recent realization. My life has been more than amazing as of late, but something reminded me the other night of just how long it has taken me to get back to this blissful place.

Last year I thought I had all I needed to lead a happy life and yet I was miserable and couldn’t even see it. My moment of clarity came when I’d dropped off a friend at home after a party with other friends. I was driving back home, alone, to the apartment I loved. The person I loved more than myself wasn’t home but in just a few short weeks we would be reunited again. Everything in my life was ‘perfect,’ I should have been more than happy, I should have been blissful. And I thought I was. As I was driving home a song by Mayday Parade came on titled “The Last Song That Meant Anything.” If you’ve never heard it before and are curious take a listen below:

As the song played on my short drive I began to cry. I cried very hard and it was almost unstoppable. It was like a ghost had taken over my body and was filling me with emotions I never allowed myself to feel on my own.  It was one of the lyrics in particular that kept repeating, “I’ll be okay. Is that what you want me to say? It’s called breakup, ’cause it’s broken,” and each time it played I would cry a little harder. Because of this I drove around for a while longer. I found some back roads and drove myself toward the growing darkness, I’m not even sure how far I went but an hour later I found myself back at home. I thought about my life but I wouldn’t allow myself to even entertain the possibility that the reason I was crying puddles onto my steering wheel was because of the boy who had begun to grow distant. I think I instead tried to blame it on PMS. I was miserable and in denial. So when I got back, I then wiped the tears from my face and went inside to Skype with the boy that the tears had been specially made for, like I did every other night. He never did find out about the journey I had taken and the amount of tissues and gas it had required.

That drive had hit me like a hammer to the heart. I think I knew deep down to my smarter-than-me inner self that it had changed everything for me.  The sureness and feelings I’d held so strongly for that boy began to slip away after that night.

My point isn’t to be horribly depressing in this post. I am happy now. I am leading a life I want and love. I will always miss him and the companionship we shared but when two people can no longer be the reason the other is smiling, it’s time to walk away. I wish I’d realized that sooner. As always with my blog I hope that someone reading this can take something from my story. Maybe you’re in a situation like mine, dating someone and unhappy and you can’t even see it. You’re not alone. The easiest person to trick is yourself. Please don’t ever settle with unhappiness for what you think might be right.  Mights and what if’s will never make a home. At least the one we all deserve.

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Tell Me That You’ll Open Your Eyes

Posted on July 10, 2013 by upthestairs87

woman

She stares at the image looking back at her. Steam fills the room as she lets the water run from both faucets. Solitude is what she’s after and this is how she finds it. The noises coming from her skin are wretched and loud, she covers her ears hoping to drown them out. If she’s not careful it will give her away.

As a painful reminder, her delicate fingers slowly find their way down from her ears to her neck. They lightly wrap themselves around it and she swears she can still see his fingerprints there. “How has no one else noticed,” she thinks, “They’re right there! Aren’t they?” The panic at someone seeing is enough to make her scream. The invisible marks feel raw and open and she can’t handle even looking at them.

Her eyes find the silent, cold, eyes staring back in the mirror and they mock her, judge her, even laugh at her. The reflective lips spit words out at her, “Worthless, slut, weak.” She now hates the look of her porcelain skin because it only reminds her of how fragile she really is. Ever since that night she’s felt like the strong winds blowing outside could tear her into a million pieces. Lines that weren’t there days before have now entered her face. She leans closer and traces the path tears have left on her skin; it feels familiar and old like she’s never stopped.

There are things she has yet to speak aloud. Things too embarrassing for her tongue to even utter. She truly believes if she finds the furthest corner of her brain to push these unmentionables to they will never return. If she practices smiles and words like, ‘fine and okay’ she will honestly feel these things.

The water has been running for a long time now, long enough for the steam to be overtaking the reflection in the mirror. The girl reaches up as the image disappears behind fog. She takes her finger and traces a smiling face in place of the old one. Bright and happy like a Walmart sticker. She clutches her stomach as she holds back the reaction her body has. There’s a knock on the door and the tingling on her spine returns, “I’ll be right out,” she shouts with a smiling edge to her voice. She has perfected the art of acting to the point that she doesn’t even know she’s doing it anymore. She reaches over and turns off the faucet, pulls her robe tighter around the fingerprints only she can see and puts back on a smile.

The lies she tells herself is always harder than the truth.

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Mr. Roger’s Ruined My Expecation of Men

Posted on June 29, 2013 by upthestairs87

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(Please note that I’m saying most, not all. If anyone knows of a real life Mr. Rogers, let me know.)

1. Most men do not come home and immediately change into something not only more comfortable, but classy. Like a cardigan and sensible shoes. And he had fun doing it. (Note the toss of the shoes from hand to hand.) He was also ahead of his fashion time. Tie with jeans? Pshhhhh…..

2. Most men don’t hang up all their clothes and put them away when they are changing.

3. Most men are not friends with their entire neighborhoods.

4. Most men do not have the type of imagination that would transport me to a different world each day.

5. Most men don’t care to stare deep into my eyes each and every day and ask, “How are you today?”

6. Most men aren’t as knowledgeable on nearly EVERY subject known to man. Mr. Rogers wanted to teach me something every day, and he did.

7. Most men don’t have an amazing repertoire with the animal kingdom. (Whether puppet animal or real life one.) Did you see how well he took care of those fish EVERY DAY?

8. Most men don’t talk to me like I’m the only person in the room, even though there’s really millions of people potentially watching.

9. Most men won’t sing a song to just say hello or goodbye. He was musically gifted, singing voice and played the piano. *swoon*

10. Most men don’t have the morals that he did. Did you know he was a minister? And that he first got involved with children’s television because he wanted kids to have something encouraging to watch and not have something that would melt their brains.

Damn you Mr. Rogers.

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Stop Emasculating My Future Husband!

Posted on May 28, 2013 by upthestairs87

I’ve got a plea, please society, Hollywood and extreme feminists, stop taking the man out of manliness!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equality and with it equal pay, education and rights but when did it become okay to take it to the other extreme and try to turn our men into women?

(I’m going to make a note here and state that there are some men that are very comfortable being feminine and some that are okay with having their counterpart take on the more masculine role. If this describes you please know this doesn’t refer to you. That’s fine. I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the men that want to cook steaks over a fire with their bare hands or are fine not ever knowing what a tweezers purpose is. The ones that have no natural inclination toward being feminine.)

I watched an ad on Hulu the other day, I think it was for Home Depot, and it was a couple who were painting their bedroom together. This is the inner dialog I had with myself when I saw they had painted their room teal and purple. (Because I always talk to myself when I watch tv alone.)

“I can’t believe he was okay with having a teal and purple bedroom!“

Chiding myself, “Well it’s showing that gender has no set colors and that he’s okay with having his room like a nineteen year old girl’s dorm room. It’s progressive.“

“I would never want to date a man okay with that.“

I would HATE that. I don’t ever want to date someone that would be okay with having a yellow, purple or Princess themed bedroom. It’s a shared room, it should reflect the fact that I share it with a man. My ex was a self-proclaimed douchebag and I remember when we were picking out colors for our room he flat out told me he was only okay with the colors brown and green. No exceptions, even though he was halfway around the world and I was the one doing all the decorating work. Now if I had truly hated those two colors I wouldn’t have gone for it, I let him walk over me for quite a few things, more things than I like to remember, but I would have drawn the line there. I liked the colors myself though and also I knew going into it that I wasn’t going to have some bright, flowery bedroom. I lived with a man, the Old Spice and beer smell whenever you walked in proved that.

I love that part of a man. I love having a man that doesn’t know what I’m talking about when I mention buying a duvet cover. Someone who dreads any event that requires him to wear a tie but does it anyway because I ask. I want an opposite. I want someone who challenges me and introduces me to things that I would never do myself.

I dated a man’s man before and while there were things that caused us to end I will always appreciate his manliness. He took me mudding for the first time. I got mud in areas I didn’t think were possible even fully clothed, and I loved it. I started to appreciate beer and whiskey. Not enough to continue to drink it all the time but it was brought into my life when before it never would have been. And he took me to my first professional sporting event. I was able to experience things, that growing up in a house full of women, I never would have before. My father has survived the last 27 years amazingly and I think two reasons for that were because he has an incredibly manly job and also because we didn’t push our girlishness on him and he in turn, didn’t try to turn us into his substitute sons.

Please understand when I say manly I’m not referring to a man who thinks he owns everything and everyone and abuses that power. That is not a man, that is a coward. I just mean a man that doesn’t feel guilty that he doesn’t own a matching outfit, or a man that knows how to build me a fire and keep me warm if we were ever to get lost in the wilderness. I want a man that’s a bit of a douchebag, only because we won’t always understand or get each other but is man enough to apologize if and when he’s wrong. I don’t want him to always understand me, that’s what my girlfriends are for and it would make things really boring. I also can’t take a man seriously enough to date if his favorite drink is also mine (pretty much any wine) or who spends more time than I do in a tanning bed or at a salon.

I don’t care if they have some interests that are considered ‘girly’ or ‘feminine’ because I have a few interests that might seem more masculine. I just want to keep that healthy balance and I don’t want to shame men into thinking their aren’t enough anymore. I’m taking back my gender, it’s mine and they can’t have it.

So now, for fun, I thought I’d list my favorite fictional manly men. Let me know who you’d add to this list.

5. Paul Bunyan
The man’s pet is a gigantic, blue ox. He is a lumberjack. Do I really need to say more?
Paul Bunyan4. Eric Taylor a.k.a Coach Taylor
I’ve got a soft spot for men that are amazing fathers and live in a house where their outnumbered by women but still manage to hold a manly job and kick ass at it. The actor, Kyle Chandler, I always thought resembled my father but when he became Coach Taylor it gave me a perspective that I’d never had before.
ERic“Every man at some point in his life is going to lose a battle. He is going to fight and he is going to lose. But what makes him a man is that in the midst of that battle he does not lose himself. This game is not over, this battle is not over.”

3. Danny Castellano
He’s not exactly a camper, as proven by one of the last episodes of this season’s The Mindy Project, but he has opinions and he’s not afraid to share them. He refuses to join in on Mindy’s girlish escapades but it doesn’t make them any less of friends. He’s not a fan of hugs or being touched. He loves his mother but not in a weird still lives with her way but in a will punch you in the face if you say anything remotely disrespectful about her. Add that to him being an OBGYN and you just know he’s a man’s man who also respects women.
Danny Castellano
“First of all it’s a Springsteen show not a Bruce Springsteen concert. You sound ignorant. Second of all, you don’t show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp tee shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.”

2. Batman
Was it even possible that Batman wouldn’t make this list? Let’s forget about the being filthy rich thing and think about the fact that he doesn’t have any super powers. Just sweet toys and an amazing body. He speaks in a deeper voice than I ever thought was possible to reach and has a suit that outlines his abs. This last movie where he climbed out of the prison was pure man. Pure manly, man, man.
batman2“I do fear death. I fear dying in here, while my city burns, and there’s no one there to save it.“

1. Ron Swanson
Most of you aren’t shocked by my number one choice. How could it not be Ron Swanson? The man is the man. He has a mustache. He eats steak with every meal. He crafts things out of wood. And this season he started dating a woman with two daughters, again how can I not love a man who surrounds himself with a house full of women? It only made him more manly in my eyes.
Ron swanson“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.“

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Single, White, AWESOMENESS

Posted on May 20, 2013 by upthestairs87

weirdo

12 ways to be single and be awesome at it:
(Disclaimer: You may already be awesome and don’t need these tips. If so, good for you! I’m going to go eat this whole cake I just baked…)

1. When you say you’re going to diet, don’t use the excessive amounts of free time you have at home alone to eat all your diet food in one sitting, instead stream Breaking Bad on Netflix and do a couple crunches every time Jesse says, “Yo.” Cheaper than a gym.

2. Stretch a few bucks during the week by replacing about 14 of your meals with ramen. It’s not healthy and the sodium will most likely lead to an early heart attack but now you have money to get your nails done.

3. Always be ready to go out and socialize with friends. Always. Even when you’re sick and no longer have a voice and are dripping mucus from the nostrils. Usually sickness adds a rosiness to your cheeks so you won’t need to use blush that night and these are the moments when something random will happen, like a bartender telling you you’re going to be married soon as if he’s some kind of drink pouring, fortune teller.

4. If you’re like me and can’t cook, learn how to make one dish (like…random suggestion…chicken parmesan) really well and then on any third date you have with someone you can blow them away with your cooking skills.

5. Always have one outfit on hand that feels good on even when you’re having a “fat” day.

6. Own a car that no one else likes to be seen in so you never have to be the one driving anywhere.

7. Have a job that doesn’t require you to ever set an alarm. This is a hard one to get but if you luck out it makes everything so much easier. Make sure it’s a real job though. Preferably respectable. I’m not talking about becoming some sort of sketchy dealer who deals whenever you want. Put on a clean outfit everyday and clock in somewhere…bum.

8. Own good shoes. And I’m not talking heels, I mean a good pair of flats. Boots even. There’s a good chance that as a single person you will be doing a lot of walking, whether it be at night, downtown with friends, or just a stroll around the neighborhood because you want exercise a.k.a your cat is being a bitch.

9. Always carry cigars. I don’t encourage anyone to start smoking them but its a great way to make friends. It makes everyone feel like an over-exaggerated cartoon character from the 50’s.

10. Don’t continue to talk to toxic ex’s. Actually, even if they aren’t toxic, even if you are on great terms with them, do NOT continue to talk to them. At least take a year. Talking to them only holds you back from enjoying this time in your life. It keeps you in a permanent Groundhog Day scenario of the life you had before which, if you’re being honest with yourself, probably wasn’t that great if it’s over now.

11. Learn to be thrifty and unashamed. You’re single. You have better things to spend your money on than brooms, vases or more than one pan. Find yard sales, peruse Goodwills and never say no to a free hand me down from friends or family. Seven dollar wine from Walgreen’s can also be surprisingly delicious. You’re an adult, but part of enjoying being an adult and single is not having an overdrawn checking account or maxed out credit cards. These are not sexy features.

12. Finally, make time to sit by yourself and enjoy the silence and solitude. You’ll miss it once it’s gone. And I promise, eventually it will be gone. One day suddenly you’ll fall into your Disney fairy-tale romance or maybe something slightly more realistic, either way it’s going to happen and while I’m sure you won’t want to lose that person you will think back and miss this time you got with yourself. So soak it up. It won’t last forever.

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