A few months ago, when everything was still fresh, I was speaking with a friend who had been going through a similar type of breakup. She was also having a hard time understanding why the love we felt for these men, who we had held so close in every part of our lives, had to end. We spoke about the pain we were carrying knowing it couldn’t go on any longer. When mine had finally ended I saw it as being mutual, of course he had actually said the words but I never fought him on it. I never begged him to take me back or to reconsider. This was mainly because when he finally spoke what we were both feeling the first emotion that came to me was relief. If I hadn’t listened to my subconscious, who knows what might have happened instead.
When I would share with my friend, she would sometimes speak of her brother who she had lost earlier in the year, a pain I still can’t imagine feeling. Once, during one of our many conversations, a question was brought up about dealing with the pain of both types of loss and we wondered why they differed so greatly. They’re both still losses and a break up is even less permanent so why does it sometimes take just as long to get over it? I’ve never had to go through what she did with her brother so I can’t even compare the missing piece she’ll always have to a silly boyfriend but I did lose a dear friend a few years ago and I still remember the ache and pain of that loss, and I know it’s something that never really goes away. So I thought about it for a minute and then responded with, “Because they didn’t choose to leave us. If they could be here today they would be. Their love for us isn’t something we ever have to question. The pain we feel now is from the rejection of someone giving up and saying they didn’t find what we had worth it anymore.”
It feels like a punch to the gut to think of it that way and maybe I’m focusing on it too negatively but I can’t seem to help it. This has always been something that’s haunted me about any break up. It doesn’t matter that I ended the other two relationships I’d had before him, there’s still a dejected feeling that takes quite a while to disappear. It’s hard to wrap my mind around this other person, who I was building my life around, suddenly deciding that what happens to me doesn’t mean anything to them anymore. It doesn’t seem normal, especially when it’s so much harder for me to stop caring in that way. Even though I know that logically we shouldn’t be together anymore, my heart still screams in pain wanting to know why. Why wasn’t I enough for him?
There’s some stuff going on in my life this week that’s been putting an unnecessary scare in it. I’m not ready to blog about it yet but no worries, I’m sure I will. I only bring this up now to explain why this thought of rejection seems to suddenly be weighing so heavily on my thoughts. Being scared and vulnerable has put me in the position of missing him in a way I haven’t in a while and I’m trying to use all my willpower to ignore it. Because no matter what, this was all still for the best.
So, am I alone in this? Am I the only person who finds the hardest part of a break up the rejection of it?
Second Star On The Write 