VDay.

Posted on February 15, 2013 by upthestairs87

VALENTINESWEB4resized

VDay.

It sounds like a bomb. It sounds like something I should be scared of and running terrified from. This year, thank God, that is not the case.

I love love. I love seeing all the flowers, chocolates and love notes that those around me received from the person they care about most. The pinks and reds and all around cheeriness make my day 10x better. Which is why this blog will most likely suck because I’m in an all around great mood after yesterday’s festivities. Though I will admit, that I would be lying if I said some part of me wasn’t wishing I had someone to do all the lovey-dovey stuff with, but I can’t really miss what may not have ever been there.

I was in love with someone the past two Valentine’s that did not like that day the same way I did. He saw it as more of an obligation and that made it harder to enjoy. We’re different people in that way, something that can’t be changed. He did try, both years, he gave it as much effort as he could. But for me, Valentine’s Day is a time to get overly excited and I love spending months planning out the perfect gift that will make that special person know how much they mean to me. Gleeful to the point of stupidity is the way to describe it. I think I permanently lost my fingerprints last year from super-gluing the stack of ‘52 Reasons I Love You‘ cards that I made for him.

So in fairness to him, he probably wasn’t prepared for how much this day meant to me. The whole rest of the year I am very far from sappy. I have a hard time directly saying I love you to even my own mother. This type of thing doesn’t normally come easy for me. Which is why I place such great importance on this one day of the year. It gives me an excuse in my messed up head to let those around me finally know they are loved by me. I can get as sickly sweet as I want, because it’s a requirement!

I place so much unfair pressure on this day that I can see how it becomes nearly impossible for anyone else to compete with the idea I have in my head for it. He never stood a chance.

So maybe from this point forward I’ll take the opportunity to try to make Valentine’s Day every day of 2013. Little surprises for those I love, stepping out of my comfort zone and voicing my feelings, you know, all that normal stuff. Because all this pressure is getting a little suffocating.

hat(Proudly displaying the first VDay gift I ever received.)

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Dating At Creeptastic.com

Posted on February 7, 2013 by upthestairs87

hipster scum 2
(Want to run into this in a dark, internet alleyway?)

Online dating has so many adjectives associated with it; scary, disappointing, frustrating, intimidating, embarrassing, and I could really go on with quite a few more. There are also some positives ones, I just have never experienced those. I do know personally a few people who found great relationships from their computer screen though, which is why I decided to give it a try a while back. You read that right, I dipped my toe into the edge of the vast sea of the inter web personals because honestly I’d really like my next relationship to come from somewhere other than a bar. You know who you meet in bars? Alcoholics.

There are some great things about online dating that you should take into consideration before you decide to harshly judge me.

1. While online, you can bypass anyone that isn’t on the same page as you in life. Whether that be religion, kids, or jobs. It can really help avoid any future awkwardness when you find out the person you’ve fallen madly in love with has a weird  obsession with Dolly Parton. (Check out their interests section, it’s all there.)

2. Dating through a screen takes out the chances of either parties being inebriated. I don’t know if you guys knew this but alcohol has a way of impairing judgement and when you mix it with some ‘cute’ person you met out one night it usually never leads to good things. Meeting online should take care of that issue, unless of course you’re sitting at home drinking a bottle of jack while searching profiles, in that case…ew.

3. Finally, you don’t even have to change out of your pj’s to meet someone, which as I mentioned in my previous post is something I greatly appreciate.

So the biggest problem I had about using the web to find a date? I’m insanely shallow. More so than should be allowed for my body type. It’s a major character flaw of mine and one that I’ve always struggled with. Only with potential dating partners do I become the person who judges a book by it’s cover. That doesn’t seem fair does it? Well I don’t have to be fair. I know what I want and I’m not going to settle for less than that. This would probably explain why I’ve had so few relationships in my short 25 years…at least I hope it was because of my vanity. The unfortunate part of all this is that it limits my already small pool of suitors from Maine who have fast enough internet access to get online. I start judging right away; ‘His ears are too big, I don’t like his shirt, who takes a picture standing like that?’. I wouldn’t be judging these guys nearly as harshly if I met them downtown.  So because of my shallowness I never actually went through with meeting someone in person.

Luckily, I don’t seem to have a problem meeting people outside of the internet world. I mean, I’m still curious though about what else could be out there but at the same time, I’m all set if I never do it again. Because, fair warning, if you decide to do the online matchmaking thing please be prepared for the majority of the people trying to contact you to be creeps. Legit ones. These are the people you should ignore, don’t even engage them.

Because I got a good laugh from this, I’ll share with you some of the best creeps, that I remember, who tried to contact me. There was the guy who spoke about the religion he’d created and described his love of tribal dances. (Strange) There was another who asked me to join his relationship with the girlfriend he already had. (Gross) Another gentleman offered to buy me a whole bottle of liquor if I went out with him. (Swoon!)

You can see why I had felt the need to return to the physical world.

Honestly, there’s nothing better than meeting someone the good old fashioned way, naturally and in person. You can tell within the first few moments if an attraction is there and while I don’t put much stock in trusting butterflies, it’s still a nice feeling to get. From that point forward it’s just seeing if our personalities match up. Will they hear and understand the infliction in my voice when I make a tasteless joke and then forgive me for inheriting my mother’s twisted sense of humor? And can they hide their disgust when they see my shoes resemble clogs from walking on the backs of them, all thanks to my father’s impatience for shoelaces?

It’s hard to gauge all of that online. Nearly impossible actually, it’s not like they’ve created a sarcasm font yet. Which I’m sure many of you would agree with me, needs to happen immediately. Otherwise this online dating fad is never going to survive.

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The Easy Life Of A Spinster

Posted on February 3, 2013 by upthestairs87

crazy2

There are many positives to being a single lady right now. My time is mine, to do whatever I want with it. I don’t have to hang out with creepy, second cousins twice removed from a family that is not my own. I don’t have to pretend to like things like Modern Warfare or tires on a truck and I have no responsibility to my kitchen, which means I can order as much take out as I want with no judgement.

As heavenly as all of that is sounding to some of you there is some negatives that come with my current single status. One in particular makes me crave the day that I’m finally in a somewhat functional relationship again. I sometimes think I’d even take all those others things back just to get to that point again. So what is this annoying thing ruining the enjoyment I should feel during this time of my life? The weekends.

Not seeing the problem yet? Well let me explain, it’s frustrating because I come home at the end of the week exhausted, but I can no longer just put on my sweats that are staring at me, begging me to wear them and slip into the easy comfort of the spinster life. No, instead I quickly drink 1 to 2 energy drinks, shower, re-do the hair and makeup and slip into something slightly more uncomfortable than what I was wearing all day at work. Only then am I ready for a single girl’s Friday night.

Because what else am I going to do, sit at home and slowly become the cat lady I know I could easily fit the role of? No. Now, these weekend nights don’t have to include anything crazy or ridiculous but it has seemed to become a requirement to have some sort of a social life. Whether it’s going to a bar, or just meeting friends for a game night. My aching, high heeled feet need to step outside into the real world and experience life.

Nothing good ever came from being a life-long couch potato. Or so I’m told.

I experimented with that lifestyle before. When I was in a relationship I could go months with just sitting on my couch all weekend catching up on my Netflix, never interacting with the outside world except for the ones who popped up on my screens. I was able to get away with this because he was gone, off to sea and it wasn’t as pathetic (or so I thought) to have a boyfriend and do that sort of thing, it was really considered loyal if anything. I was only required to get all done up and drag my butt outside for the weekends when he was home. Easy.

So now it’s back to the work part of being single. You can be sure though, that while I’m doing all of this, I’m still anxiously anticipating the day me and my sweatpants are reunited in all our lazy glory.

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Worry A Weary Heart

Posted on January 31, 2013 by upthestairs87

sad

I mentioned previously that I am going through something right now, I don’t mean to be vague and I realize how annoying it can be, but I’m just not ready to discuss the words I’ve been told and until I know what they mean I’ll be keeping silent. I just felt the need to mention this again so you understand that I’ve had a lot of worry on my heart and mind.

Because of that, the worrying led to an ache of missing him and wanting to hear his voice, which took me by surprise. It came back full force and hit me head on. I contemplated emailing him and spilling out how scared I am but then I stopped myself. There was no reason for it, we had ended our life together and I wasn’t his concern anymore. Just like I had made him a nonexistent priority in my life I had also become that to him.

Then I got an email later in the week, it was from a road trip website I’d visited back in May. We had decided back then that starting tomorrow we wanted to take a road trip to Florida, Texas and Arizona, stopping and visiting friends and family. We were so excited sitting there over the phone planning it out, never once did I think we wouldn’t be going because we had left each others lives, if anything I thought it would just be another plan that fell through. But there it was, staring at me, daring me to break.

So I gave in and I began to cry and the tears led to emailing him, I reached out and I’m not sure what exactly I was hoping for. I know I don’t want us to be together, the thought alone puts me into a panic, but it doesn’t take away the parts of him that I still miss. I almost immediately regretted the email once it was sent and the response I got was what I expected, cordial. I’m only telling all of you this so you know just how weak I can still be.

Crying into my pillow those few months ago seems so far away now. I would pray each night steadily that God would just fast forward the time so my heart could repair faster. I’ve always known that time and space would be the ultimate healer and I couldn’t wait to just be here, halfway to happy. His memory hurts me less and less every day and I’m continually amazed and grateful for that. We both had always said that if it ever ended between us we’d both be too stubborn to look back. I still struggle with that, something I wasn’t expecting.

There is good from all this, the majority of my weeks are good ones. My breath has become a steadier rhythm since September. I woke up after a party recently, surprised that he hadn’t crossed my mind once during the entire night, even fueled with alcohol. I also listened to a song the other day that used to make me break down and start crying because it reminded me of us,  but that day it didn’t. That day I turned it up, smiled, and sang along.

Maybe this would all be easier if I could just jump into another relationship because that would probably distract me or dull the ache of missing him completely, at least for a short time, but I know it still wouldn’t replace the missing pieces that he took. For that reason, I’ll continue to slowly fill in the empty space because for the next person I choose to be with, I’d like to be a whole person again.

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Weighing on My Mind

Posted on January 29, 2013 by upthestairs87

stomach

Do you want to know something disgusting? While dating him I gained 30 lbs. That’s a solid chunk of weight. I warned you guys I wasn’t going to hold back much. During that extra chunky phase it was first time in years I actually looked at pictures of myself and was completely grossed out. Normally I always owned my bigger size but as big as I got with him made me uncomfortable and self conscious and I was not used to those feelings.

I want to make it clear that I am not blaming him a bit for that. It was all my own fault, I was happy and lazy. Actually, being with him was good because he got me eating things like vegetables and always encouraged healthier eating and exercise. He was kind of an inspiration to me, he had struggled with his weight before he met me and lost around 100 lbs which is something he deserves insane credit for. He never made me feel bad about myself and was never mean about encouraging me to be healthier either.

So since we ended things I’ve been working on trying to lose all that weight I accumulated. I’ve lost 25 lbs of it so far but I’m not planning on stopping at the 30. I was already what would be considered overweight before I met him so I’m hoping to take this as an opportunity to finally get healthy, something that I don’t believe I’ve ever been. I’ve always eaten straight junk food and barely exercised. I’ve never been a healthy weight, before I was overweight I was underweight…I need to find a balance in my life now.

I’ve never been the type to focus on weight and the self esteem issues that can come with it. I’ve always been very pleased with how I look, maybe even more so than I should be. Honestly I border on conceited usually. The picture below is proof of that and reflects where I’m at right now and while my doctor’s office may call me overweight, I think I look pretty amazing. I only just started dieting for the first time ever last summer. I have never believed that girls should be defined by numbers on a scale so ignoring the foods I was putting into my body and the lack of exercise was like an F you to society. Now though, I’ve realized that I’m a big enough person (haha get it…) to admit that understanding and focusing on your weight isn’t just about being skinny, it’s also important to help maintain a healthy lifestyle. That was the key I had neglected while trying to be a-okay with my body image.

So now I’ve got some goals in place, I have a trip to Daytona Beach in 45 days that I’d like to get to my halfway goal by and then in August I’m lucky enough to be a part of my dear friend Ariel’s wedding so I’d like to be at my final goal by then. Keep me motivated friends!

WEIGHT

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