“I’m a genie in a bottle
You gotta rub me the right way”

I was listening to the original Christina Aguilera hit today while jamming out to varied other songs of my youth and I started thinking about that line and deciding what exactly about me has to be rubbed the right way to get my genie out. And get your mind out of the gutter. I know Ms. Christina had a lot of sexual innuendos in that tune but I mean it only in the way that I literally will not open up to a new guy in any way without certain requirements being met. So let me tell you, my imaginary boyfriend has been fulfilling many of said requirements and I’m made a list of all those things he’s been excelling at…in my mind…

1. He has facial hair in all the right places. A little here, more there. It also looks clean and not like baby squirrels have been living in it.

2. He realizes the importance of personal space. When I’m sleeping the only thing I like to be wrapped around is my body pillow. He knows this and maintains a safe bed distance.

3. His dance moves are exquisite. As in, he can break it down as well as any white, 90s, boyband-er.

4. The man is extremely healthy and puts only the best foods into his body. Meanwhile he finds my food quirks of mixing things like chips and hot sauce or popcorn and chocolate adorable and encourages me to keep doing it.

5. He knows what he wants and goes for it. No holding back, this man is the obnoxious, guy you meet who knows exactly what he wants out of life and actually has the motivation to accomplish it.

6. He would never encourage me to dye my hair dark.

7. There’s very few jokes that I need to explain to him.

8. He brings out my adventurous side by suggesting trips anywhere from Tibet all the way to that creepy corner downtown I don’t like walking by alone.

9. In that same vein, he makes me feel protected. This doesn’t always require flexing his muscles (although that’s nice) but sometimes it’s just when he intercepts a horrible comment from reaching my ears.

10. He understands the need and sometimes even drives me to my annual Hanson concert. Though he also realizes he could never step inside the actual venue to enjoy said concert. If that ever happened I would lose all sexual desire for him. It’s Hanson!