Have you ever been so completely unhappy and had no idea? Since my failed relationship, I’ve found I’m still picking up lessons that were dropped during it, like a trail from my broken heart to the person I want to become again. My former amount of unhappiness  and my blindness to it has been my most recent realization. My life has been more than amazing as of late, but something reminded me the other night of just how long it has taken me to get back to this blissful place.

Last year I thought I had all I needed to lead a happy life and yet I was miserable and couldn’t even see it. My moment of clarity came when I’d dropped off a friend at home after a party with other friends. I was driving back home, alone, to the apartment I loved. The person I loved more than myself wasn’t home but in just a few short weeks we would be reunited again. Everything in my life was ‘perfect,’ I should have been more than happy, I should have been blissful. And I thought I was. As I was driving home a song by Mayday Parade came on titled “The Last Song That Meant Anything.” If you’ve never heard it before and are curious take a listen below:

As the song played on my short drive I began to cry. I cried very hard and it was almost unstoppable. It was like a ghost had taken over my body and was filling me with emotions I never allowed myself to feel on my own.  It was one of the lyrics in particular that kept repeating, “I’ll be okay. Is that what you want me to say? It’s called breakup, ’cause it’s broken,” and each time it played I would cry a little harder. Because of this I drove around for a while longer. I found some back roads and drove myself toward the growing darkness, I’m not even sure how far I went but an hour later I found myself back at home. I thought about my life but I wouldn’t allow myself to even entertain the possibility that the reason I was crying puddles onto my steering wheel was because of the boy who had begun to grow distant. I think I instead tried to blame it on PMS. I was miserable and in denial. So when I got back, I then wiped the tears from my face and went inside to Skype with the boy that the tears had been specially made for, like I did every other night. He never did find out about the journey I had taken and the amount of tissues and gas it had required.

That drive had hit me like a hammer to the heart. I think I knew deep down to my smarter-than-me inner self that it had changed everything for me.  The sureness and feelings I’d held so strongly for that boy began to slip away after that night.

My point isn’t to be horribly depressing in this post. I am happy now. I am leading a life I want and love. I will always miss him and the companionship we shared but when two people can no longer be the reason the other is smiling, it’s time to walk away. I wish I’d realized that sooner. As always with my blog I hope that someone reading this can take something from my story. Maybe you’re in a situation like mine, dating someone and unhappy and you can’t even see it. You’re not alone. The easiest person to trick is yourself. Please don’t ever settle with unhappiness for what you think might be right.  Mights and what if’s will never make a home. At least the one we all deserve.