12 ways to be single and be awesome at it:
(Disclaimer: You may already be awesome and don’t need these tips. If so, good for you! I’m going to go eat this whole cake I just baked…)

1. When you say you’re going to diet, don’t use the excessive amounts of free time you have at home alone to eat all your diet food in one sitting, instead stream Breaking Bad on Netflix and do a couple crunches every time Jesse says, “Yo.” Cheaper than a gym.

2. Stretch a few bucks during the week by replacing about 14 of your meals with ramen. It’s not healthy and the sodium will most likely lead to an early heart attack but now you have money to get your nails done.

3. Always be ready to go out and socialize with friends. Always. Even when you’re sick and no longer have a voice and are dripping mucus from the nostrils. Usually sickness adds a rosiness to your cheeks so you won’t need to use blush that night and these are the moments when something random will happen, like a bartender telling you you’re going to be married soon as if he’s some kind of drink pouring, fortune teller.

4. If you’re like me and can’t cook, learn how to make one dish (like…random suggestion…chicken parmesan) really well and then on any third date you have with someone you can blow them away with your cooking skills.

5. Always have one outfit on hand that feels good on even when you’re having a “fat” day.

6. Own a car that no one else likes to be seen in so you never have to be the one driving anywhere.

7. Have a job that doesn’t require you to ever set an alarm. This is a hard one to get but if you luck out it makes everything so much easier. Make sure it’s a real job though. Preferably respectable. I’m not talking about becoming some sort of sketchy dealer who deals whenever you want. Put on a clean outfit everyday and clock in somewhere…bum.

8. Own good shoes. And I’m not talking heels, I mean a good pair of flats. Boots even. There’s a good chance that as a single person you will be doing a lot of walking, whether it be at night, downtown with friends, or just a stroll around the neighborhood because you want exercise a.k.a your cat is being a bitch.

9. Always carry cigars. I don’t encourage anyone to start smoking them but its a great way to make friends. It makes everyone feel like an over-exaggerated cartoon character from the 50’s.

10. Don’t continue to talk to toxic ex’s. Actually, even if they aren’t toxic, even if you are on great terms with them, do NOT continue to talk to them. At least take a year. Talking to them only holds you back from enjoying this time in your life. It keeps you in a permanent Groundhog Day scenario of the life you had before which, if you’re being honest with yourself, probably wasn’t that great if it’s over now.

11. Learn to be thrifty and unashamed. You’re single. You have better things to spend your money on than brooms, vases or more than one pan. Find yard sales, peruse Goodwills and never say no to a free hand me down from friends or family. Seven dollar wine from Walgreen’s can also be surprisingly delicious. You’re an adult, but part of enjoying being an adult and single is not having an overdrawn checking account or maxed out credit cards. These are not sexy features.

12. Finally, make time to sit by yourself and enjoy the silence and solitude. You’ll miss it once it’s gone. And I promise, eventually it will be gone. One day suddenly you’ll fall into your Disney fairy-tale romance or maybe something slightly more realistic, either way it’s going to happen and while I’m sure you won’t want to lose that person you will think back and miss this time you got with yourself. So soak it up. It won’t last forever.