(This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from  your life and you survive.)

Six years ago today one of my best friends passed away. She was entirely too young, too pretty, too fun, too friendly, too smart and too perfect for that to happen to. At the time, it rocked my world to the core. I had only known her for five years but I was only 19 and that was quite a long time. I grew closer to her in those few years than I ever was to many friends I’d known for much longer.

I still think about her every day and the pain of losing someone I loved, someone who made such a significant impact on my life, will never fully go away. I was angry for a while and my emotions alternated between that and sadness for quite a bit. I felt selfish and guilty for continuing to miss her like I did. My mind constantly felt like it was riding on a carousel that wouldn’t let me off.

I still feel a pain in my gut when I think of her infectious laugh and my eyes still water at the memories we shared. I still have to remind myself that she isn’t coming back. I won’t be seeing her again for quite while. I often think about her, but it’s not nearly as much as it was in the beginning and this gives me hope. Her memories bring me mostly joy now instead of pain.

I found this entry on my old blog that I posted a couple weeks after she had passed:

“So last night it snowed late and really hard. I was driving home around 1:30 and it was so beautiful. It was the perfect snow, soft and fluffy. Then this morning it started raining, it had warmed up enough so that all the snow turned into raindrops. It was a bit messy because there was so much snow on the ground that it turned all to slush and with the rain coming down it only added to it all, making it very wet. Flooded even in some areas.

Anyway, on my way to work this morning I felt like Alice in Wonderland. You know the part where Alice is a giant and starts crying really hard and creates a huge flood around her, which turns out to be bad because then she does become small and finds herself floating and lost in her own tears.

That’s how I felt. Some parts of the road felt like they were up to my door handles and when I stepped outside it went up to my knees, I felt like this past week after I had cried so much I was now swimming in my own tears, or at least God’s.  It sounds weird, I know, but it was almost comforting. I knew God was there, and even better I knew he understood.“

So on this day I remember her and the amazing person she was and I am grateful that her friendship is still teaching me something even after these long six years. I am able to remember the pain I felt during that time of my life and it gives me comfort to know that I’ll get through the twist my life has taken now. I could apply that entry above to exactly how I felt the weeks following my break from him in my life. It’s a good thing though, because if I could get past losing her I can most certainly get past him. Even though losing him was like ripping a piece of me slowly apart, a pain I didn’t think I’d ever have to experience again I did, and I survived…again. There’s no comparison for the two of them when it comes to who they were to me and how they treated me and it wouldn’t be fair to even attempt that. I’m just so filled with joy that even today, I can look back at one of the most devastating days of my young life and know that I’m doing just fine. I can think of her today and smile, just like she would have wanted.

Her memory continues to give me hope and strength. So I know I’ll be just fine when it comes to removing the hold he still has over my heart and mind. One day I’ll look back at my time with him and the agony this whole process has caused and the pain will no longer be there, and I have Olivia to thank for that.

Thanks Liv.