I mentioned previously that I am going through something right now, I don’t mean to be vague and I realize how annoying it can be, but I’m just not ready to discuss the words I’ve been told and until I know what they mean I’ll be keeping silent. I just felt the need to mention this again so you understand that I’ve had a lot of worry on my heart and mind.

Because of that, the worrying led to an ache of missing him and wanting to hear his voice, which took me by surprise. It came back full force and hit me head on. I contemplated emailing him and spilling out how scared I am but then I stopped myself. There was no reason for it, we had ended our life together and I wasn’t his concern anymore. Just like I had made him a nonexistent priority in my life I had also become that to him.

Then I got an email later in the week, it was from a road trip website I’d visited back in May. We had decided back then that starting tomorrow we wanted to take a road trip to Florida, Texas and Arizona, stopping and visiting friends and family. We were so excited sitting there over the phone planning it out, never once did I think we wouldn’t be going because we had left each others lives, if anything I thought it would just be another plan that fell through. But there it was, staring at me, daring me to break.

So I gave in and I began to cry and the tears led to emailing him, I reached out and I’m not sure what exactly I was hoping for. I know I don’t want us to be together, the thought alone puts me into a panic, but it doesn’t take away the parts of him that I still miss. I almost immediately regretted the email once it was sent and the response I got was what I expected, cordial. I’m only telling all of you this so you know just how weak I can still be.

Crying into my pillow those few months ago seems so far away now. I would pray each night steadily that God would just fast forward the time so my heart could repair faster. I’ve always known that time and space would be the ultimate healer and I couldn’t wait to just be here, halfway to happy. His memory hurts me less and less every day and I’m continually amazed and grateful for that. We both had always said that if it ever ended between us we’d both be too stubborn to look back. I still struggle with that, something I wasn’t expecting.

There is good from all this, the majority of my weeks are good ones. My breath has become a steadier rhythm since September. I woke up after a party recently, surprised that he hadn’t crossed my mind once during the entire night, even fueled with alcohol. I also listened to a song the other day that used to make me break down and start crying because it reminded me of us,  but that day it didn’t. That day I turned it up, smiled, and sang along.

Maybe this would all be easier if I could just jump into another relationship because that would probably distract me or dull the ache of missing him completely, at least for a short time, but I know it still wouldn’t replace the missing pieces that he took. For that reason, I’ll continue to slowly fill in the empty space because for the next person I choose to be with, I’d like to be a whole person again.