F me.

So just one of the many things I’m realizing is completely messed up about myself is how I can’t seem to write a single thing when I’m happy. My mind on happiness is constantly on a repeat of unicorns, butterflies and little, white, fluffy, damn bunnies. Everything I write down in that state of mind makes me want to throw up at the cheesiness of it.

On the other hand, when I have any hint of depression, heartache or sorrow the words flow freely and I’m able to form them into painfully, beautiful sentences. I can be very angsty but not many know that because it shows only through my writing. I’m all ribbons and pink on the outside to some, but any pain I feel on the inside shows through by way of my ink. When I feel I’ve been wronged in some emotional or physical way my vengeance is in words.

So this is a big reason why I did not write anything the last 2.5 years. I knew I was deeply in love with him and my biggest tell was that not one word flowed from my mind to paper. At least for the beginning of my time with him, I was in a state of euphoria, lost in a world of cute cuddly things because I was happy. There was nothing to write, no short stories, no blogs, no anything because my life revolved around the love I felt. I wish he realized how much that truly meant.

Please don’t take this to mean I’m depressed and unhappy now, I feel fine and I’m very happy with my life but without at least some lingering memory of suffering, I am literally at a loss for words. So the silver lining in all of this grief I had to go through the past few months is that I’m writing again. So thank you, everyone that takes the time to read this and I’m truly sorry that I can’t bundle these  pages with neat and clean endings. You can blame my emotional stubbornness.

My goal is to fix this someday because I’d love to keep my thoughts flowing even when I’m back to being in a full-time, blissful state. I mean, I don’t plan on being miserable throughout my whole life, I would like to fall in love again, so it would be nice if I could express myself in a less depressing way. One day I’d love to write a honest, loving, happy ending short story that doesn’t involve the phrase, “…as tears streamed down her face…”

Just once.

Good Lord.