Facebook is that friend you love to hate. The one you wish you could walk away from, but can’t separate yourself from at the risk of losing all the juicy gossip they tell. Facebook also emotes feelings. Feelings that I don’t necessarily want. It makes me feel jealousy, fear, longing and a list of other sins. I’m thankful my ex got rid of his page after we broke up because the torture of having to see him on there would be horrible. I’ll admit it. The only downside to him being invisible in the internet realm, is that I wanted to get rid of my own page but now that seems impossible. When we first started dating I closed mine down, I decided it wasn’t worth the time I was wasting. But he had concerns about that, mostly he was afraid it meant I was ‘up to something’. So now I’m stuck with the FB, through addiction and fear of copying an ex.

So since I’m stuck with it, I really hope FB never releases a way for their users to see whose been viewing their page and how many times, because honestly my first reason would be that it would confirm that I am my own top follower and the second is that nearly everyone I’m friends with on there would find me at least in their top 10, I’m sure. I’m addicted to being nosy. I like to know exactly what everyone’s up to. Put new pictures of your cat up? Liking it already. Complaining about the weather? I’m sure I can find some way to comment. And you don’t want to even know how many times I’ve viewed your pictures, all the way back to 2008. (Side note: Please learn how to limit your vacation pictures so I’m not just clicking through millions of scenery pics, I want the good stuff. Why doesn’t anyone take pictures of fistfights?)

I am the ultimate creeper.

I will admit to being addicted and it’s really not even worth it. Facebook is a bitch and can ruin my perfectly good days. That guy who told me he couldn’t stay long because had to get to work? Weird because then I saw pictures of him pop up in my newsfeed out with friends right after. Or that feeling I get when I’m ‘friends’ with someone and then suddenly realize I’m not anymore when I go to do my daily stalking. This brings a ridiculous feeling of inadequacy that goes through my mind and it’s horrible. “What did I do to make this person I met one time at a random bar not want to be friends with me anymore?!?” It also sends very mixed signals. One minute a picture of someone’s tantalizing dessert pops up and I say, “Okay Facebook, we’ll go get cake.” And then not even a minute later the sneaky vixen shows me a friends check in at the gym, as if to say, “You’re not skinny enough for that dessert yet hoe.” (I’m assuming FB is very mean when addressing me.)

Also, always remember that nothing is really ‘private’ anymore, no matter how many settings you place on it. It’s the internet, it’s honestly true that once it’s out there it can’t be undone. Someone will always find out, even if it’s not the person you’re hiding it from who sees it directly, I’m sure they’ll find out through those damn mutual friends.

Finally I’ll mention that there can be good things that come from this internet demon. On days when I’m feeling particularly bad about my breakup I can scan through and FB will inform me on things like, my ex went on a few dates with a preggo! FB is then my best friend again because those types of things leave me with the warm and fuzzies and really turn my day around. This is due to me being shallow and also because it reminds me that no matter how bad my days get, at least I’m not dating anyone with baby mama drama.

And that’s how I sleep at night…with my computer screen next to me.