Lied. Liar. He lied. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. Did I really think that this time would be different? That this time he’d be a different person just because it’s been a few years. I’m too pretty for this shit. I’m too funny for his insecurities. I’m too smart to fall for him all over again.

“I like you. I want you.” But the catch is, it’s just never all of me. I’m not a secret to be kept and I never will be. I’ve heard from both of the big mistakes of my past about the shortcomings of each other and they will continue to tear the other down while making themselves look like the nice guy in the process. They do this to ensure that I’m not with the other but when neither of them want me after the dust has settled from the he-man contest, I’m the only one losing. Neither of them is truly a nice guy.

It’s too much noise. I’ll only allow the 5 min of wallowing that I used to allow for it and move on. I once had a guy ask me why, if I had such good role models of love growing up, I became so negative toward the notion of it. I didn’t have an answer then and I still don’t. Sure, I have had heartache since that conversation and that would seem like a good excuse to use but it’s not just that. I think it’s mostly that I just don’t trust them. The men around me have yet to prove themselves trustworthy so I in turn have no desire to trust love.

Trust; it’s such a shaky word for me lately. So you’ll forgive me if I’m not going to easily give it out. Every man has started to look like a liar to me. My father was always very adamant that me and my sisters not become the type of women who belittle and hate the male gender just because they’re different from us. I was reminded constantly that it’s not fair to assume everyone is the same.

That is a hard concept to keep in mind when it comes to the boys I keep running into. Whether it be the guy I’m trying my hardest to give a second chance to after years of mistrust, the boy with a wife who likes to send me inappropriate messages or the ex who never kept one promise he ever made. “Not everyone is the same. People change. Don’t blame the whole gender.” This is what I have to keep reminding myself.

There are true, trustworthy men out there, I guess I’m just taking my time to find them.

In the meantime, I’m going to have to start taking some hints from the male playbook:

#1 Have fun but always make sure you’re ready to leave.
#2 Never be with someone you’d care about giving up.
#3 Never wear your heart on your sleeve.